These two brothers did not communicate well. Isaac wanted nothing to do with Esau's hunting. Esau wanted nothing to do with Isaac's studying. If they spoke assertively to each other about their likes and dislikes , as well as their strengths and weaknesses, an arrangement might have been reached. Two of Jacob's sons, years later, reached such an agreement. Zebulun agrees to be a merchant seaman, allowing Issachar to remain home and study.
Does it not seem reasonable that Jacob could have accepted the spiritual birthright of Isaac, while Esau accepted the material birthright? Could not a sharing have taken place? The Torah paints Esau literally red and calls him Edom (red in Hebrew).
The sages paint Esau bloody red and say he is pure evil. But the Torah does not say this. Isaac loved Esau. Could Esau have been all that bad? Was Isaac, the son of Abraham, such a glutton that he would overlook evil in his own tent just for a meal of
meat? Of course not. Hence we have another situation where two people did not express their needs to each other, and instead of relating to each other as people, they related to each other as objects.
Some time later, Isaac has dealings with the Philistine king, Abimelech. This is the same king with whom Abraham made a treaty. Abraham was given permission to dig wells in Philistia. Isaac goes to Philistia, as there is a famine in Canaan. During this time, Isaac became "great and kept becoming greater until he was very great" (Gen. 26:13).
"The Philistines envied him"(Gen. 26: 14). Instead of the Philistines discussing their concerns with Isaac, they aggressively clog up the wells. Isaac digs two new wells, but the Philistines protest and say "the water is ours"(Gen. 26:20). Isaac names these two wells, "contention" (Esek) and enmity (Sitnah). Isaac digs a third well, which they do not contest. Isaac calls this well "Rehoboth" (Gen. 26:22). Rehoboth means "spaciousness."
Both Isaac and Abimelech are powerful men, yet they toy with each other like children in a kindergarten sand box. If Abimelech had said to Isaac that he was envious of Isaac's wealth and wanted to learn Isaac's herding secrets, would not have Isaac shared them with Abimelech? If Abraham was able to work out a treaty with Abimelech, could not have Isaac also?
Here is a case of another two people who have it-it relationships. Abimelech sees Isaac only as a potential commercial threat. Isaac sees Abimelech only as a land owner that he will use until the famine in Canaan is ended. Both of their tribes could have worked out a mutually beneficial commercial agreement, just as the descendents of Isaac, the children of
Israel, will hopefully soon be able to work out with the nominal
descendents of the Philistines.
The parasha's denouement comes with Rebecca's scheme to deceive her husband, Isaac, and steal from Esau. Again, instead of having an honest talk with her husband about her needs, she plots for Jacob to dress up as Esau and steal Esau's blessing from blinded Isaac. The ruse works, but only for a few moments. Esau and Isaac uncover the plot too late.
Esau swears that he will kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Jacob escapes to his uncle Laban's home. Years of two brothers and two spouses not being able to talk, share, or express their needs, boils over into an ugly scene. The ramifications are enormous.
As we will read next week, Laban also treats Jacob like an object. He tricks Jacob into marrying Leah when Jacob wants Rachel. Years later, Jacob favors Rachel's son Joseph over Leah's sons, who are older than Joseph. What happens? Joseph is sold into slavery in Egypt. Jacob and his other sons travel to Egypt and stay there because Joseph is Viceroy.
Within a generation or so, the Children of Jacob become slaves in Egypt. The Talmud says this is why we say on Passover that an "Aramean (Laban) sought to kill our father." The rabbis blame Laban for the switching of his daughters. They blame Laban for the aftermath of Joseph becoming the favorite son, causing the eventual slavery in Egypt.
I posit that the blame goes back further. If Rebecca lived in an
atmosphere were she felt she could express her need of wanting
reassurance of her bond with Isaac, she could have spoken with Isaac honestly.
She could tell Isaac that God told her about the warring twins
in her womb, without Isaac abandoning her. They would have been able, as two parents working as a communicating team, to raise Jacob and Esau in such a way so that each of these sons would have had their needs met.
If they were loving brothers, able to feel love equally from each parent, Jacob would have been glad to offer Esau some lunch without the fee of the birthright. Esau would have acknowledged his skills and weakness, and accepted Isaac as the spiritual leader. Isaac could have accepted Esau as the commercial leader.
There would have been no need to for Jacob to steal Esau's blessing. There would have been no need for Jacob to run to
uncle Laban. There would have been no need for Jacob and his sons to go down to Egypt where they end up as slaves. Jacob's descendants and the Philistines possible descendants, who are called Palestinians, could have lived together in peace in the Middle East, and not be taking up so much headline space today. But as the Yiddish saying teaches, "if my bubbie
had a moustache, she would be my zadie."
Too many vulnerable Jews in too many areas of the world hesitate to look at their temples to assist them in their hour of need. No amount of resolutions or statements can change this reality. Only action can. Every one of us is vulnerable at one time or another. Everyone of us will have an hour of need.
We are supposed to emulate God. God clothed naked Adam
and Eve. He consoled Hagar, Sarah, and so many others. He fed the Israelites manna, and even quail, in the wilderness of Sinai. God buried Moses.
Abraham does acts of loving kindness continually. He never said that his nephew Lot was "needy." Abraham even interrupted his conversation with God Almighty to "run" in the "heat of the day" to take care of the needs of three strangers. He did not even let his pain from his recent circumcision slow him.
When we call someone "needy" we are really saying that we are too involved with our own lives to take the time to tend to
this person's needs. It is easy to help someone with a simple need that we can handle with a quick phone call. Afterward, we can feel so self-important that we did a mitzvah.
But the real mitzvah is developing an I-Thou relationship with someone in need. It is easy to do good deeds for strangers. There is no emotional expense involved. It is having a temporary, I-it relationship. It is only a step away from checkbook Judaism.
Martin Buber discussed his theory of relationships in his book "I-Thou." I-Thou relationships are the mutual relationships of love and caring. It is the type of relationship that we should strive for with God and with loved ones. Buber acknowledges that most people have to struggle to master I-Thou relationships with spouses and family members.
Most of the world relates to each other as objects, which Buber calls I-It relationships. New writers have called this Win-Loose relations, while I-Thou relations have been called Win-Win. In transactional therapeutic terms an I-Thou relationship is defined as Adult-Adult or "I'm Ok. You're Ok."
Stanford University psychiatrist Dr. David Spiegel has done research on the difference that sincere social support can make on living with illness. Dr. Spiegel created psychosocial support groups for women with metastatic breast cancer. All of the women eventually died, as their cancers were aggressive. But the women who had attended the support groups lived twice as long as the women who did not attend the groups. Caring I-Thou relationships can save lives.
Each Shabbat, we pray to God to give us or someone we know "healing of body and renewal of spirit." We know that "God helps those that help themselves." We have the power in our Temples to transform people's well-being. Studies have shown how frequent attendance at religious services, where there is true fellowship, was linked to greater health in people with diseases ranging from cardiovascular problems to cancers. Another study showed that religious commitment cut blood pressure, even
in men who smoke cigarettes.
Dr. Herbert Benson in his book "The Relaxation Response," determined that meditation evokes a state of relaxation in the body. It affects respiration, heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension and brain function. Other studies have shown that meditation in a group is more effective that meditation alone.
Other studies have shown that communal prayer, with what we, in Judaism, call kavenah (concentrated attention) produces a similar effect. All of these studies also show that
individuals in these groups must relate to each other openly and
lovingly. If there is no sense of security, one cannot achieve the
relaxation response in meditation, or kavenah in prayer.
Psychiatrist Victor Frankel writes about the importance of meaning in our lives. Other philosophers write about how connections in our lives give it meaning. When we feel connected to the Godhead, in a state of spirituality, we do not feel alone. When we feel connected to a group, like fellow congregants in our temples, we achieve an enhanced ability to
cope and to heal. Wellness can be maintained when one feels connected to something larger that oneself, writes Rabbi Amy Eilberg, whose ideas are sprinkled throughout this D'var Torah. When we feel connected to a loving community, to truth, to history, and to God, our needs and fears seem
smaller.
Religion may act as a placebo but we should not negate the power of a placebo or the power of the mind to heal. Dr. Kevin Pauza and others have shown that merely believing a treatment will work helps alleviate an array of symptoms. Patients with back pain were told they needed back surgery. Half had the surgery under anesthesia. The other half, were anesthetized, but just had the incision made in their back and did not have the surgery. Yet both groups were told they did have the back
surgery.
Thirty percent of the patients who had the placebo surgery got
better. Our convictions that we are connected to Jewish people presently and throughout history really may strengthen us.
Judaism presently has a rich armamentarium of resources to strengthen our spirit when life brings us challenges. The soothing words of the Psalms are an excellent example. Rituals such as Tashlich (casting our sins upon the water in the form of bread on Rosh Hashanah), Shabbat candle lighting, and doing mitzvah are ways that we can symbolically cast away unhealthy habits, look for sources of light and hope, and help those that have needs greater than ours.
The sages knew that visiting the ill (bikur cholem) can make a difference in another's experience of illness. But the sages said that the visitor brings his own experiences to the ill
person. The visitor has to open up and bring his own hopes and fears, as well as 100% of his capacity for love and compassion in order to make a difference.
Many congregations presently have healing services. Some congregations actively visit people in hospitals. One congregation, Beth Shalom in San Francisco, adopted a local hospital and sends volunteers regularly. But our temples can do much more. We can actually prevent illness. In their
book, "Successful Aging," Drs. John Rowe and Robert Kahn state that socially-connected people live longer and are sick less often. They say that connections mean sincere I-Thou relationships. People without strong connections to groups, such as synagogues, were four to six times more apt to die, regardless of race, wealth, activity or healthcare.
True love helps prevent pain and illness. People who said they did not get displays of affection from their friends were 20 times more likely to develop chest pain than those people who had friends that demonstrated affection and caring.
"All Israel is responsible for one another," the rabbis teach. As our Torah portion's title suggests, we are all the "offspring" (toledot) of God. We are all family. All of us have needs. Expressing these needs and having others listen to them is healthy for both the listener and the speaker. It reminds us that we are connected. It gives us all a chance to do mitzvoth to help each other as well as reminds us that we are part
of a community that will help us when our time of need arrives.
Disregarding someone in their time of need is something we cannot imagine Abraham doing. It is a core value of Judaism to help those in need. Some of these needs seem enormous, others much smaller. None of us is immune to having needs. The aim of our religion and our temples is to allow people to expand their relationships and grow emotionally and spiritually. Our synagogues can be true sanctuaries from life's travails.
Our Haftarah this week is from the Book of Malachi. A few verses after this portion, the prophet writes: "Have we all not one father? Hath not one God created us all? Why do we deal treacherously every man against his brother, profaning the covenant of our fathers?" (Mal. 2:10).
Certainly our congregations are far from being a place like Malachi describes. We are blessed to have congregations the world over that are
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