Today we continue with a bit more of Jewish Ethics (Great is Peace - Derek Eretz 2:7).
''Do not say: 'I will flatter this man, that he may give me food'; 'that man, to give me beverages'; 'that man, to buy me clothes', for it is better that you should pay your own way than to be obsequious to others."
Judaism despises flattery, obsequiousness, and ingratiation. People-pleasing is manipulative. When we attempt to become more attractive or likeable to our target, our hidden intention is to please our selfish egos. Hence people-pleasing is really self-pleasing and self-seeking behavior.
According to social psychologist Edward Jones (d. 1993, United States), methods of ingratiation include other-enhancement (unnecessary compliments), opinion conformity (adopting others' values), and self-promotion (bragging). To this list, researchers recently added self-deprecation (putting oneself down to elicit pity), instrumental dependency (acting weak for the sake of control), and name-dropping (claiming to know famous people.) Another technique, situation specific behavior, involves seeking personal information about someone in order to gain his approval.
Each of these techniques of flattery is a form of lashon ha ra or lying or both. Is it worth developing our defects of character to attract phony friends, who selfishly need stroking, so that we can attend their parties, eat their food, drink their liquor, and receive gifts? We know in our hearts we are invited not because they like us, but because we flatter them. When we stop the flattery, the invitations stop, too. We can't buy love, affection, or friendship.
If we want to give a mazel tov, congratulations, to someone, we can do so honestly, without striving for reward. Flatterers try to look like friends the way a wolf attempts to looks like a dog. King David warns us in Psalm 5:9, ''There is nothing reliable in what they say; their inward part is destruction ; their throat is an open grave; they flatter with their tongue.'' When we flatter, we are not acting as a friend, but being quite selfish.
Proverbs 29:5 teaches, ''Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet." Derek Eretz, proper ethical behavior, asks us to engage truthfully with one another.
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